[He's about to say yes, that nothing is worth this horrible pain, not friendships or allies or even colleagues. But the words die on his tongue. These are good people-- at least most of them-- and maybe he was starting to consider them friends. The thought of forgetting them, being isolated in a cell or a Foundation lab leaves him aching unpleasantly.]
... I don't know. I wish....
[He stops again, afraid to even say those words. What if speaking a wish out loud brings Nirrti? Erhard isn't sure he's a good enough man to refuse her.]
I don't want to remember Akira that way. But that's who he turned out to be, so wanting something different is foolish.
[ Natsuno watches all of Erhard's turmoil with dark red eyes. He waits until he's done speaking, apparently thoughtful. ]
It would be foolish and a lie. You've seen it right, sensei? How people get desperate when they're faced with life and death, how they're willing to do anything for a loved one. [ As a doctor, Natsuno expects him to be familiar even before this, albeit in a different way. ]
After they'll say that it was the circumstances that made them do it, they lost their mind, they had no choice. But it doesn't change what actually happened one bit. They're empty words to make themselves feel better, that's all.
Yes, I've seen it. It's why I was in prison without ever really knowing if I committed the crime or not. If I did, maybe my reasons were as flimsy as Akira's. It doesn't change the fact that people died.
[Erhard appreciates Natsuno's bleak but honest view for perhaps the first time. He's in no mood for platitudes or false cheer.]
[ Swinging his legs off the chair, he stands up and stretches. They've talked enough and they both are owed their dues. But then he remembers something and cocks his head. ]
I don't have any control over it. It's just more of Nirrti's games, that's all. She knows I feel like a monster, so she reflects that on my outward appearance during trials.
[He sees Natsuno get up, clearly ready, and he can't help the way his heart beats just a little faster. Finally, some peace.]
[ Like the predator he is, that increased heartbeat calls to him and for once there's no reason to disobey. He circles over to the right side of the bed for easy access, eyes bright red. ]
I guess she thinks I'm a fashionista in that case. [ A touch amused, but also distracted. He pauses, clearly debating something before making up his mind. ]
[ No one can say he didn't try, and if that's how it's going to be then. He murmurs in Japanese that same phrase he said to Erhard weeks ago.
"δ»ζΉγγͺγ, it can't be helped. "
It's much the same as last time, except the drowsiness finds Erhard sooner given the starting lower total blood volume. Again he takes his fill, ignoring the voice in his head that says he's playing with fire by being this greedy twice in a row. Next week he'll have to be really careful.
But that's a problem for future, not the present. ]
[Anyone listening at the door might think Erhard is trysting with someone, such is the quiet groan he makes. He doesn't dare open his eyes, his head swimming in a way that ensures he'll be dizzy if he does. Instead he focuses on the warm weightlessness, the soft sounds of Natsuno feeding.]
... thank you....
[It's barely a whisper, but he knows Natsuno will hear it. They're using each other, but it doesn't matter. With this, he'll sleep, and with sleep he'll regain control of himself.]
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[He lets out a frustrated groan that's more a soft huff of air than anything.]
All the things I can't remember, but everything that's happened here will stay with me very clearly, I'm sure.
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So you'd want to forget all this if you could? That's surprising.
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... I don't know. I wish....
[He stops again, afraid to even say those words. What if speaking a wish out loud brings Nirrti? Erhard isn't sure he's a good enough man to refuse her.]
I don't want to remember Akira that way. But that's who he turned out to be, so wanting something different is foolish.
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It would be foolish and a lie. You've seen it right, sensei? How people get desperate when they're faced with life and death, how they're willing to do anything for a loved one. [ As a doctor, Natsuno expects him to be familiar even before this, albeit in a different way. ]
After they'll say that it was the circumstances that made them do it, they lost their mind, they had no choice. But it doesn't change what actually happened one bit. They're empty words to make themselves feel better, that's all.
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[Erhard appreciates Natsuno's bleak but honest view for perhaps the first time. He's in no mood for platitudes or false cheer.]
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Do you still want to remember if you could?
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[He shakes his head.]
I want to know if he was lying to me to make me feel better.
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At least you've kept your resolve, sensei.
[ Swinging his legs off the chair, he stands up and stretches. They've talked enough and they both are owed their dues. But then he remembers something and cocks his head. ]
Your outfit at trial was distracting, y'know.
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[He sees Natsuno get up, clearly ready, and he can't help the way his heart beats just a little faster. Finally, some peace.]
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I guess she thinks I'm a fashionista in that case. [ A touch amused, but also distracted. He pauses, clearly debating something before making up his mind. ]
As much as I can, sensei?
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Yes....
[He offers his arm and waits, already finding some measure of calm in knowing what's coming.]
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"δ»ζΉγγͺγ, it can't be helped. "
It's much the same as last time, except the drowsiness finds Erhard sooner given the starting lower total blood volume. Again he takes his fill, ignoring the voice in his head that says he's playing with fire by being this greedy twice in a row. Next week he'll have to be really careful.
But that's a problem for future, not the present. ]
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... thank you....
[It's barely a whisper, but he knows Natsuno will hear it. They're using each other, but it doesn't matter. With this, he'll sleep, and with sleep he'll regain control of himself.]