[Erhard had collapsed onto his bed the moment he returned to his room, but he hadn't slept. Of course not, how could he? He's spent all this time after the trial trying to rebuild his walls and bottle those horrible, turbulent emotions.
Never again. To hell with his promise to Ann, he'll deny his emotions for the rest of his life.
He lifts his head slightly as Natsuno enters, only to let it thump back onto the pillow a second later.]
[ Closing the door behind him, he pulls out the chair from the desk and sits down. There's some consideration here, but eventually he settles on a respone. ]
Why? [ Natsuno for his part looks as stern as ever, if a bit tired. ]
[He closes his eyes. His head's pounding, the memory of his own cries echoing in his skull, the smell of Holmes's blood caught in his nose. He's never been so scared, so angry.
He doesn't want to be that person again. He'd rather not be anything except a doctor, a pair of skilled hands and a brain filled only with medical knowledge. It was so much easier that way.]
Because I don't want to relax and nod off slowly. I want to pass out cold.
[At least this time his face won't hit the floor.]
[ Rearranging himself a bit, he folds his arms on top of the chair back and rests his head there. ]
Fine. [ He's not in the mood to argue nor is he that generous, this whole ordeal wore on him too in a different way. ] But you won't last long if you keep letting me do that, sensei. Especially after whatever you got up to Thursday night.
I'll explain that to everyone later, it concerns a... vision I saw of Watanuki. Shadow knows about some of it already.
[Natsuno doesn't push. Good, that's the only kind of contact he can stand right now. He doesn't want people fretting or trying to give him a pep talk. At this moment, he wants fangs and that merciful, warm oblivion they bring.]
I won't make a habit of this, I promise. I just need it tonight. That was... it was awful.
[Damn, his voice cracked a bit. It's only from his earlier shouting, nothing more.]
I don't suppose I could convince you to take from my neck this time, so your venom is closer to my brain? It might hit me faster that way.
Hm. [ Whether that's to the vision or the plea isn't clear. Thrumming his fingers he replies after a few beats. ]
No. It'll only save you a few seconds if that, and the location is too obvious. The last thing I want is to play into their hands. The group will latch onto whatever as long as it's easy and not painful—that's why Nirrti dragged that out for as long as she did.
[Still laying on his back, he rolls up his right sleeve. His left arm is still healing, it wouldn't be wise to puncture the same vein repeatedly.]
I'm more and more concerned that someone will accept Nirrti's fantasy to protect someone they care about, or that we'll choose another innocent person.
[ Unconsciously he lets out a shallow breath at the sight of Erhard's exposed arm. He is hungry, even if it's not as wanton as last week. ]
Isn't that what Kurusu tried to do? [ Kinda sounded like it, but he was also not really paying attention once they nailed the culprit because he has priorities. ]
[ A snort. If only the dead stayed dead, even here. But he's not keen to talk about it either really, so he doesn't mind moving on. That statement catches him off guard too. ]
You're keeping your distance better than I am these days.
[Erhard remembers being as stoic and closed off as Natsuno when he arrived. Yes, people care about him now, but he's losing his ability to help them as his control falters.]
...thanks. [ The pause there is significant and he has a thought that he quickly squashes.]
You get used to it. I've seen this all happen before in Sotoba, even if the circumstances were different, people got caught up in their regrets and emotions all the same.
[Erhard registers that pause, but he's too worn out to contemplate the meaning behind it. Natsuno is complicated and hates having people try to puzzle him out, so why bother?]
We've both seen too much at a young age. Though right now I feel as if I've aged a decade or two.
[He's about to say yes, that nothing is worth this horrible pain, not friendships or allies or even colleagues. But the words die on his tongue. These are good people-- at least most of them-- and maybe he was starting to consider them friends. The thought of forgetting them, being isolated in a cell or a Foundation lab leaves him aching unpleasantly.]
... I don't know. I wish....
[He stops again, afraid to even say those words. What if speaking a wish out loud brings Nirrti? Erhard isn't sure he's a good enough man to refuse her.]
I don't want to remember Akira that way. But that's who he turned out to be, so wanting something different is foolish.
[ Natsuno watches all of Erhard's turmoil with dark red eyes. He waits until he's done speaking, apparently thoughtful. ]
It would be foolish and a lie. You've seen it right, sensei? How people get desperate when they're faced with life and death, how they're willing to do anything for a loved one. [ As a doctor, Natsuno expects him to be familiar even before this, albeit in a different way. ]
After they'll say that it was the circumstances that made them do it, they lost their mind, they had no choice. But it doesn't change what actually happened one bit. They're empty words to make themselves feel better, that's all.
Yes, I've seen it. It's why I was in prison without ever really knowing if I committed the crime or not. If I did, maybe my reasons were as flimsy as Akira's. It doesn't change the fact that people died.
[Erhard appreciates Natsuno's bleak but honest view for perhaps the first time. He's in no mood for platitudes or false cheer.]
[ Swinging his legs off the chair, he stands up and stretches. They've talked enough and they both are owed their dues. But then he remembers something and cocks his head. ]
I don't have any control over it. It's just more of Nirrti's games, that's all. She knows I feel like a monster, so she reflects that on my outward appearance during trials.
[He sees Natsuno get up, clearly ready, and he can't help the way his heart beats just a little faster. Finally, some peace.]
[ Like the predator he is, that increased heartbeat calls to him and for once there's no reason to disobey. He circles over to the right side of the bed for easy access, eyes bright red. ]
I guess she thinks I'm a fashionista in that case. [ A touch amused, but also distracted. He pauses, clearly debating something before making up his mind. ]
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Never again. To hell with his promise to Ann, he'll deny his emotions for the rest of his life.
He lifts his head slightly as Natsuno enters, only to let it thump back onto the pillow a second later.]
... I hope you're hungry.
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Why? [ Natsuno for his part looks as stern as ever, if a bit tired. ]
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He doesn't want to be that person again. He'd rather not be anything except a doctor, a pair of skilled hands and a brain filled only with medical knowledge. It was so much easier that way.]
Because I don't want to relax and nod off slowly. I want to pass out cold.
[At least this time his face won't hit the floor.]
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Fine. [ He's not in the mood to argue nor is he that generous, this whole ordeal wore on him too in a different way. ] But you won't last long if you keep letting me do that, sensei. Especially after whatever you got up to Thursday night.
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[Natsuno doesn't push. Good, that's the only kind of contact he can stand right now. He doesn't want people fretting or trying to give him a pep talk. At this moment, he wants fangs and that merciful, warm oblivion they bring.]
I won't make a habit of this, I promise. I just need it tonight. That was... it was awful.
[Damn, his voice cracked a bit. It's only from his earlier shouting, nothing more.]
I don't suppose I could convince you to take from my neck this time, so your venom is closer to my brain? It might hit me faster that way.
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No. It'll only save you a few seconds if that, and the location is too obvious. The last thing I want is to play into their hands. The group will latch onto whatever as long as it's easy and not painful—that's why Nirrti dragged that out for as long as she did.
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[Still laying on his back, he rolls up his right sleeve. His left arm is still healing, it wouldn't be wise to puncture the same vein repeatedly.]
I'm more and more concerned that someone will accept Nirrti's fantasy to protect someone they care about, or that we'll choose another innocent person.
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Isn't that what Kurusu tried to do? [ Kinda sounded like it, but he was also not really paying attention once they nailed the culprit because he has priorities. ]
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[That shouldn't make him feel so hollow inside. He doesn't want to feel anything, not even emptiness. He wants to be numb.]
I envy you, Koide.
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...why?
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[Erhard remembers being as stoic and closed off as Natsuno when he arrived. Yes, people care about him now, but he's losing his ability to help them as his control falters.]
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You get used to it. I've seen this all happen before in Sotoba, even if the circumstances were different, people got caught up in their regrets and emotions all the same.
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We've both seen too much at a young age. Though right now I feel as if I've aged a decade or two.
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That bad sensei? How old are you anyway?
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[He lets out a frustrated groan that's more a soft huff of air than anything.]
All the things I can't remember, but everything that's happened here will stay with me very clearly, I'm sure.
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So you'd want to forget all this if you could? That's surprising.
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... I don't know. I wish....
[He stops again, afraid to even say those words. What if speaking a wish out loud brings Nirrti? Erhard isn't sure he's a good enough man to refuse her.]
I don't want to remember Akira that way. But that's who he turned out to be, so wanting something different is foolish.
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It would be foolish and a lie. You've seen it right, sensei? How people get desperate when they're faced with life and death, how they're willing to do anything for a loved one. [ As a doctor, Natsuno expects him to be familiar even before this, albeit in a different way. ]
After they'll say that it was the circumstances that made them do it, they lost their mind, they had no choice. But it doesn't change what actually happened one bit. They're empty words to make themselves feel better, that's all.
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[Erhard appreciates Natsuno's bleak but honest view for perhaps the first time. He's in no mood for platitudes or false cheer.]
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Do you still want to remember if you could?
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[He shakes his head.]
I want to know if he was lying to me to make me feel better.
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At least you've kept your resolve, sensei.
[ Swinging his legs off the chair, he stands up and stretches. They've talked enough and they both are owed their dues. But then he remembers something and cocks his head. ]
Your outfit at trial was distracting, y'know.
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[He sees Natsuno get up, clearly ready, and he can't help the way his heart beats just a little faster. Finally, some peace.]
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I guess she thinks I'm a fashionista in that case. [ A touch amused, but also distracted. He pauses, clearly debating something before making up his mind. ]
As much as I can, sensei?
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Yes....
[He offers his arm and waits, already finding some measure of calm in knowing what's coming.]
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