How lucky. [ Not bothering to bite back (ha) that remark, drinking last night probably made his hunger worse. ]
Like declarative and operative memory but not really. [ Shrugging and shoving a hand into his pocket. ] I told you once already sensei, be careful where your curiosity takes you.
There's not much more harm I can do to myself. If I learn that my past is better than what I've been led to believe, it's good. If I confirm what I think is true, then I'm no worse off than I am right now.
[He turns his head slightly to look at Natsuno out of his peripheral vision.]
Hn. [ He's not here to argue on this point. The other one though... ]
Why? You can't cure me, and I'm not an experiment for you to understand. I don't need blood as an excuse to kill either. [ Take two of this question. ]
I don't think of you as an experiment, even if I can't deny being curious about you. I'm offering because I'm willing to be an outlet if you want it, that's all.
[Erhard shrugs, putting one book back and taking another.]
If you hate us so much, why haven't you killed anyone here?
I told you, I have amnesia. I don't remember doing it, but I was convicted of bioterrorism at sixteen and sentenced to 250 years in prison. Hundreds died because of something I might have done.
[Is it getting easier each time he tells someone? Maybe, but he still braces himself for a wave of loathing from the other person each time.]
That's a while, even for an immortal. [ Callous yeah, but it's the truth too. ]
Hundreds... [ He seems to play with that word almost, drawing it out. ] Sensei. You're not the only doctor I know who would be committed of those things.
It's basically a slow death sentence, yes. I was offered the chance to perform high-risk surgeries in exchange for time off my sentence, but I doubt they'll let me put much of a dent in my time.
[Natsuno knows another doctor, one who did something similar?]
What do you mean? You know a doctor who killed people?
The doctor of the clinic in my village. Rather than let the village die out on its own, you could say he chose to kill it with his own hands. Maybe you could call it a saving measure but...Ozaki-sensei knew full well what he was doing. In order to cleanse Sotoba, he had to start by exterminating all of the undead. And the living who sheltered them, of course.
He never wavered in his conviction, not even when he used an undead like me. [ Strangely, there's absolutely no malice or anger in his words. In fact, there might even be a shade of admiration. ]
[To dirty his hands in order to protect innocent lives from the undead... Erhard doesn't know if he could do what this Ozaki did. Mindless monsters are one thing, but if the shiki retained memories of their lives, didn't that mean they were the same people, only transformed? Didn't they have a right to exist? He gets the feeling that saying it out loud might bother Natsuno, though.]
How do you feel about being used that way? Do you resent him for it?
... including yourself, when your goal was complete?
[The thought is... strangely unpleasant. For all that Natsuno can be prickly and cold, the idea of him dying so young and unhappy doesn't sit well with Erhard.]
[ Smiling thinly, the words flow off his tongue like water. ]
Why does it have to be about what I "deserve"? Don't tell me you're one of those people who thinks everything fits neatly into white and black, right and wrong. [ Shrugging. ] Even if you are, what's moral for me and what's moral for you are two entirely different things, sensei. I'm not human so I don't need to fit into your rules and laws, and I don't want to.
[ His answer is indignant, childish, and final. ]
There isn't a cure. But even if there was, Yuuki-Koide Natsuno died several months ago. Nothing's going to bring him back.
... I'm sorry. I can't even begin to imagine what this is like for you. But you're trying to do something with the time that's been forced on you, and that's not a bad thing.
[He remembers something Ann said to him on their first day. Maybe they need to steer off this topic anyway.]
What do you want me to call you? I don't mind if you call me Erhard.
[ Shaking his head, he backs up into the bookcase with a jolt. He's said too much. He's said way too much and he hates it. There's too much noise going on in his head, but he can probably answer that question at least.
His stock answer is on the tip of his tongue, but instead his answer surprises even himself. ]
[That's an anxiety response. Erhard doesn't like that he's unsettled the young man, but maybe it will break him out of his shell of frosty anger. Still, he doesn't want to push too hard, too far, and leave them both out in rough and unfamiliar territory.]
Okay, Koide. I didn't mean to upset you. If you want me to leave, I will. But thank you for pointing me toward the books I wanted.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Like declarative and operative memory but not really. [ Shrugging and shoving a hand into his pocket. ] I told you once already sensei, be careful where your curiosity takes you.
no subject
[He turns his head slightly to look at Natsuno out of his peripheral vision.]
I'm still willing to offer blood if you need it.
no subject
Why? You can't cure me, and I'm not an experiment for you to understand. I don't need blood as an excuse to kill either. [ Take two of this question. ]
no subject
[Erhard shrugs, putting one book back and taking another.]
If you hate us so much, why haven't you killed anyone here?
no subject
[ As sarcastic as it may sound, there's something deeper in what he says. ]
no subject
[Something in the way Erhard says that word... it's heavy and dark, pain flickering through his eyes.]
Even before Shadow asked me to, I swore I'd protect everyone here. Even if it can't ever make up for the lives I may have taken.
no subject
no subject
[Is it getting easier each time he tells someone? Maybe, but he still braces himself for a wave of loathing from the other person each time.]
no subject
Hundreds... [ He seems to play with that word almost, drawing it out. ] Sensei. You're not the only doctor I know who would be committed of those things.
no subject
[Natsuno knows another doctor, one who did something similar?]
What do you mean? You know a doctor who killed people?
no subject
The doctor of the clinic in my village. Rather than let the village die out on its own, you could say he chose to kill it with his own hands. Maybe you could call it a saving measure but...Ozaki-sensei knew full well what he was doing. In order to cleanse Sotoba, he had to start by exterminating all of the undead. And the living who sheltered them, of course.
He never wavered in his conviction, not even when he used an undead like me. [ Strangely, there's absolutely no malice or anger in his words. In fact, there might even be a shade of admiration. ]
no subject
How do you feel about being used that way? Do you resent him for it?
no subject
I'm the one who came to him, sensei. So no, I don't. We both had the same goal in mind. To eradicate every single undead, no mater what it took.
no subject
[The thought is... strangely unpleasant. For all that Natsuno can be prickly and cold, the idea of him dying so young and unhappy doesn't sit well with Erhard.]
no subject
no subject
[Talking to Natsuno is like walking around caltrops. One small instant of carelessness could spell disaster.]
If there was a cure, would you take it? Or do you not feel you deserve it now?
no subject
Why does it have to be about what I "deserve"? Don't tell me you're one of those people who thinks everything fits neatly into white and black, right and wrong. [ Shrugging. ] Even if you are, what's moral for me and what's moral for you are two entirely different things, sensei. I'm not human so I don't need to fit into your rules and laws, and I don't want to.
[ His answer is indignant, childish, and final. ]
There isn't a cure. But even if there was, Yuuki-Koide Natsuno died several months ago. Nothing's going to bring him back.
cw: suicide mention
[Natsuno's being petulant and childish, yes, but Erhard is patient. He doesn't get ruffled easily.]
Then who are you? Someone who felt like existing, because you didn't kill yourself instead of joining the Foundation?
cw; suicide
Ah. A few images flash through his mind, but he stuffs them down. ]
...it wasn't for lack of trying, sensei. Even jinrou aren't supposed to be able to survive point blank explosions.
no subject
[He remembers something Ann said to him on their first day. Maybe they need to steer off this topic anyway.]
What do you want me to call you? I don't mind if you call me Erhard.
no subject
His stock answer is on the tip of his tongue, but instead his answer surprises even himself. ]
Koide.
no subject
Okay, Koide. I didn't mean to upset you. If you want me to leave, I will. But thank you for pointing me toward the books I wanted.
no subject
[ Back to that normal tone of his (and address) he can't stay here right now. Maybe they can continue this conversation later.
Goodbyes aren't his thing, so he's going to walk out without another word. ]